Alan, thank you very much for your draft. I think it really captures how much music means to you and in your life — it’s good that you’re able to find that connection. I also like how you integrated the written sources, because that contributes well to your overall argument. Your reflection piece at the beginning, and the way you mirror it in the conclusion, is very thoughtful and does a good job of presenting your individual voice. You’ve clearly put a lot of thought into this, and I already think it’s strong.
For the final piece, where this can be revised first is formatting. Make sure your essay is in MLA format: 12-point Times New Roman, double-spaced, with indented paragraphs and no extra space between paragraphs. Center your title, and double-space your Works Cited page as well. To format the Works Cited correctly, just Google “Works Cited MLA” and follow the standard — essentially, you double-space it, place the first line of each entry all the way to the left, and indent any subsequent lines (a hanging indent). That’s good formatting, and honestly, formatting is the key issue here.
In terms of content, the main area I’d look at is making the paragraphs more cohesive by linking them together with transition sentences so there’s a smoother flow. Right now it feels a little abrupt — you move from the first paragraph to the second, to the third, to the fourth, and then straight into “in conclusion.” The conclusion itself is fine, but I’d like to see some transition phrases between paragraphs. You do have some of that already; they just need to be tied together more clearly. That’s really just a writing-level issue — the content itself is solid. This is a good opportunity to both nail down the formatting and work on cohesion. Look up things like “transition phrases” or “how to make transitions strong in essays” — a quick Google search will give you a clear idea of what to do.